Do you wanna ride....
with me?

I spent a few days in the aftermath of a very public post as the result of extremely human emotions. It created a lot of chatter and a little bit of flounce.

Excuse me for my very human moment?

You see, I'm human.  I have these moments from time to time.  Moments when I'm not my best and don't act the way I would like to.
Have I mentioned the human part?

A while back, I was talking about my life.  I mentioned the different areas that I had lived and some of the things I had done.

"You've lived a very interesting life."
Actually, yes.  I have.  Its been interesting.  It has been full of life, experience, and emotion.  I've been on the peak of the mountain and in the depths of the valleys.   Near and far, north and south, in one year I went from being in a private jet to being on medicaid and not knowing where the next meal would come from.  I've lived life at the very summit of wealth to the depths of poverty and no electricity.
I get it.  Wherever you are in life, I get it.

Do you wanna ride....
with me?

So, as I was pondering the flounciness of people on the internet, some of them wanting to be my friend yet bounce at the first sign of emotion, I realized how flaky so many people are.  So many want to be there for the sunlight.  So many want to see the gold, to spot the sparkle, to bask in your aura.
That's not life.  That's not my life.  I have sunshine a lot.  If you put your gorgeous flowers in the sun every single day, they'd wilt without rain.  The thunderstorms of life, the human emotion that can be so beautiful, eventually part and become rainbows in the sun.

Life is like that, you know?  As I was pondering that thought, a Jay-Z song from Kingdom Come kept playing in my head.  Do you wanna ride with me?  That's it!  Are you my friend?  Are you going to ride with me?  Are you in this because you like the sunshine or can you weather the storms?

So, I ask:
Do you wanna ride with me?

February 29, 2016.

Here we are , two and a half months since my dad died.  I've had a lot of quiet time to sort through things and be on my own.  I have so much to do, I'm finding coupons expired in November.  Its like, life was already tough enough.  Losing dad is a category of its own.

I had this weekend to myself in the house.  I couldn't sleep and didn't push the issue.  I let myself sort through things.  For the first time, I could work on without being crippled from emotion the entire time.

lost.

I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to go with my emotions, but I don't really have an outlet for them.  I can't exactly post things as status updates or whatever, because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  When my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly four weeks ago, my world changed.  I know that we all know the death of our parents are inevitable.  Not everyone knows their dad, not everyone knows their mom.  I have both parents.

I called my dad at 7:50 pm December 16, 2015.  I had a feeling something wasn't quite right and I'd been waking up with Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite stuck in my head.  I knew I needed to talk to my dad, I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted to hear him say he was alright.  As the phone was ringing, mom heard my dad say that he wasn't up to talking.  Of course he wasn't.  He was on his way to a full, raging, blow out.  The widow maker...  The massive heart attack.

I cry as I type because I know he didn't want to answer questions.  I only wanted to call and hear his voice.  I would ask him if he was alright because he had been on my mind nonstop lately.  I don't think he wanted to answer that question.  He wasn't alright.  He was acting alright, he was joking with mom.  They were having a good day together.  Dad had really bad indigestion but the tums were working, so why suspect anything.  His left arm hurt.  Why wouldn't it?  He had been using the leaf blower and he's left handed.  He thought he pulled a muscle.  He thought he had overdone it.

I called at 7:50.  Dad usually went to bed around 8 or so, so when the call came at 8:50, I thought that dad was up late.  I had no idea what I was in for...  Mom called "Your dad...  (I don't remember her words)... you dad, he's dead...." Mom had come in to find him slumped over, still reaching for his game on the computer.  Its like everything just stopped.  Mom called 911, they guided her through CPR.  She did it tirelessly for thirty minutes until EMT came.  Mom does not give up.  Mom does not quit.  Mom is the most persistent woman I know.  She did it, as best as she could.  They gave dad adrenaline.  They shocked his heart.  Nothing, nothing, nothing....

We were almost to their home, I got a message to go back, no one wanted Zoe to see my dad like that.  He was dead, he was laying on the ground in the floor, he was gone.  We checked in to the local hotel because I wasn't sure what was about to go on.  I know that I asked to be dropped off at the end of the driveway.  As I walked up, I met with my brother.  His eyes were wide, he spoke slowly, out of shock and disbelief.  He told me not to go in and that mom wasn't doing well.  We had to be strong for mom.  I went in.  Dad was in the floor, covered in a white sheet.  I couldn't lift it up.  I just knew that my dad was there, but I couldn't feel his presence.  Oh my God, I have never felt so lost in my life.  My dad.... my dad.... my dad....  That night, I started to walk to the barn.  I was hoping to find him there, in his clutter of tools as I remember him.  I wanted to find him.  I need my dad.  We were close.  I was looking.   I felt really lost.  I felt like I didn't know what to do or where to start or even compose myself to respond to text messages or answer the phone.  I just stared at it when it made noise, I couldn't process it at all.  I still can't.

I'm not sure what all happens from here.  I know we put together a nice family night for him.  It was open casket (he was cremated later) and he looked so peaceful.  I put together an 80 minute CD to be played.  It had the Beatles, the Doors, Jimi Hendrix, Wilco.  There was an open mic for people to tell stories.  Dad never met a stranger.  There were so many people there.  My brother and I (and our families) have iphones.  We bought an ipad for her to use for facetime.

So, fast forward four weeks and now what?  Anger.  Loss.  Sadness.  Grief.  I have questions only dad can answer and he is not here.  I'm angry, we had no warning.  I thought he would get old and frail first.  He was frail, 65 isn't old.  I feel lost.  I've had one or two really good days, but everything else is a blur.  I hate that I've become so flaky and unpredictable and not together.  Some days (like today) I don't want to answer my phone.  I don't have anything to say or know how to say things.  I can't handle small talk today.  Not today.  Not yesterday.  I'm lost.  I feel like I have to go somewhere but I don't know how to get here or which direction to go.  The reality hits really hard at times and I don't like it.  I disconnect because its too much to comprehend.  My dad was such a big part of my life.  We had such a good relationship.  I'm very lucky to have had a dad that loved me so much, I'm so lucky to have gotten to know him as I did, I feel like a part of me is identified with my dad.  That day, I feel like a very bit part of my life died too and I don't know what to do.  I just know that I'm having a hard time.  I know it will get better.  I know there's life after grief.  I know all of this.  I'm so far from that, I'm doing good to know what day of the week it is.

I'm back! I'm here with an Ikea Hack!

Ah, December.  Images of snow fairies, candy and cookies, and gingerbread houses.  Snow everywhere, fireplaces a'glow, thick coats, hats, and gloves.

I've read about that before.  I live in Dallas.  Texas is an interesting place, so many of us think of it as a country even though it isn't.  Nothing here is stable, except our economy and the heat in August.  Anything else is fair game.  The last few days have been gorgeous!  It was in the 70s for the last two days.

Its Christmas time and what on earth do you get a kid that has everything?  Does the kid have an easel?  

Easels, in concept, are a good idea.  They can keep your kid busy for hours and...  chalk is messy, dry erase markers dry out.  That leaves you with a crappy thing in your home without a purpose.

I went to Ikea and bought two easels, I already had two at home.  I went to home depot and bought some magnetic paint.  Since I paint things all the time, I had painter's tape.  The magnetic paint is not cheap, its $20 a can.  I used it on 4 easels and have roughly half a can left.

Since I figured the chalkboard was a waste of good space, I taped around the chalkboard area.  Not knowing that the paint is black, I spent time spray painting the chalkboard area silver.  That's a step you don't need to do.  When that dried, I painted on a coat on each chalkboard with a small roller I bought at home depot.  The chalkboard side is not evenly flat.  I suppose that's alright and all, but I would prefer the flatter side.  I think I'll do my next one like that.  The can says to use five coats and I spent two days letting the paint dry between coats and getting to it when I could.  When the final coat was dry, I sprayed it with a metallic finish.

That's where I have to stop because we'll have rain tomorrow.  The neat thing is that you can take  a magnet or magnetic clip and use it on the metal side.  Take any sheet of paper, tear out from a coloring book, whatever you want - and use that space!  

Now that all of that is dry, I'm going to spend tomorrow taping around the areas so I can spray paint the wood.  The nice thing about Ikea's natural wood is that it usually isn't painted.  That's for you to do.  You can paint it any way you wish, glue some wooden decorations on it, whatever you want to do, and make it personalized.  I didn't care too much for the way the crayon holder area looked in the way it came, so I took the two from the new easels and went ahead and spray painted them.

Are you in a neighborhood mom's group?  I may list a few of these in mine.  People are always looking for a good last-minute gift.

I'm uploading the pictures of what I have now and will upload when I finish.  On the bonus side, the metallic paint really does work!  The black dot is a magnet.  

I'm really unsure if the metallic paint will stick well to the slick side of the easel.  Perhaps going over it with a light sandpaper would do the trick.  In my honest opinion, I think the chalkboard side would be nice covered in felt with a handful of felt animals and scenery.  Kids love to create their own picture, felt is not messy at all.

I should finish these this weekend.  At any rate, they'll be adorable.  This is a neat little project and you can get about 8 easels out of the metallic paint.  That breaks them to roughly $2.50 each in paint.  If you need to make a few, this is a good investment.

Its been too long! Let's catch up!

I started blogging a while ago, roughly three years ago.  Life has been interesting, fun, and sometimes cruel.  I've been through a journey and am back with new perspective and valuable life experience.  So much has happened in the last three years, I'll bring some of it up when necessary, but honestly, its pretty simple:

I was a single mom for a while.  While my daughter's father paid support, I was solely responsible for everything else.  It was hard.  I had to get better at couponing and getting deals.  Life can be unpredictable, you can be in the most amazing situation and then some life happens and you find yourself alone.  Coupons kept food on the table and allowed us to live fairly well.  It was strict, every trip was planned, and sometimes I would spend four or five hours planning.

I have easily saved (at best estimate) five thousand dollars using coupons.  I have no real way to gauge it, but the savings are amazing.  I aim for 35-95% savings.

My oldest daughter started having massive stomach issues.  She had always had stomach problems, but after her biological father decided to come back in to the picture with his new wife (a story for a later date), she got sick.  Very, very, very sick.  As in, missed 20 days in the last semester of school.  She missed 28 days total - some of them I made her go.  I regret the days I sent her off to school crying with stomach pain.  By the second semester, I would wake up and find her curled up on the couch because she hadn't slept all night and her face streaked with tears.  Those days, I would tell her to go back to bed.  Whatever she was learning in school, she would have problems learning.  You can not learn when you are sick.  When her mind is on having horrible stomach cramps, who cares what the spelling words are?

Tests.... Tests.... Tests...

She had testing for a million things, peptic ulcer being one of them.  She had a celiac test.  She was treated for the ulcer and things did get better.  She spent spring break at her father's house in Mississippi (we're in Dallas) and came home sick (and very dirty).  We became frequent visitors at her doctors office.  At one point, her doctor pointed us to the direction of a very new and young GI in the area.  We promptly made an appointment.  My sweet daughter had vials of blood drawn.  It was sad to watch.  Her blood test came back positive for celiac and the endoscopy came soon.  The day she was discharged from the endoscopy we were instructed to have her eat gluten free indefinitely.    Her GI said that she had a sneaking suspicion celiac was the cause and the endoscopy would give us a final answer.  She gave me pictures of Zoe's intestines and I googled the words underneath the pictures.  I knew she had celiac.

That began an obsession, one that I am happy to share.  I am happy to share the way we're doing it on a budget and how we're getting healthier in the process.  I love deal sharing - I'm in Dallas, so sometimes there are regional things that I stumble on and am delighted when I find a new restaurant with a gluten free option.  Being gluten free simply isn't good enough for me...  I want gluten free to celiac standards.  I love my child.  Knowing what gluten does to her intestines is enough to make me very conscious of her food.

Our family went gluten free in solidarity with her.  That made things easier for several reasons.  I didn't have to decontaminate often and how horrible is it to fix something gluten-y and then make her eat something else.  She is part of the family.  My family is not complete without her, if she's gluten free for medical reasons, we're gluten free because we're a family.  Its really that simple.

I went gluten free with no real expectations.  Within a few days, I started feeling better.  The deep dull ache in my stomach started to go away.  I had been having stomach aches every day for as long as I could remember.  Sometimes it would be worse than others, but still, it went away!  I can remember being 18? 19? and looking pregnant because I was bloated.  I worked out.  In fact, my stomach was the issue that would always confuse me - I ate healthy (somewhat) and exercised.  Why was my stomach so puffy?  The puff disappeared.  The bloating was directly caused by the gluten.  I feel better and have lost a bit of weight as well.  Since May, I've lost close to 20lbs.  I actually have the energy to exercise and the more I exercise, the better I feel.  Its amazing!

So, I'd like to dedicate my blog to eating gluten free, eating healthier, serious deal scoring, and some awesome life moments sprinkled in.  This is my life and I'm ready to share it with you.  I hope that in some of my words, some of the recipes, some of whatever I write, you can identify and if it helps you get on with your day, so be it.

Oh, I'm exhausted.  I've been Christmas shopping a little today with my Kohl's card and I'm beat!

Laundry!

After almost a month of not having a working washing machine, the new one arrived yesterday!  I AM SO EXCITED!!!!
Naturally, of course, this is cause for an all-day-long laundryfest.  I think laundry is fun.  I like it.  What I don't like, however, is what is in store bought laundry detergent.  I will post later about the main ingredients (did you know most contain a very cancerous pesticide as a surfectant?) but now I will post my recipe for detergent:

1    cup soap shavings
1/2 cup borax
1/2 cup washing soda

Soap shavings:  I bought a ton of Method's bar soap on clearance.  Castille soap is also recommended.  I've used hotel soap and friends report good sucess with Ivory.  The main point is that you need to grate it up or shave it in to a very fine powder.

Borax:  Found in the laundry aisle in almost every store

Washing Soda:  Usually found at Kroger and available at some Wal-Mart.

The best part?  Mix all of this up and use 1/2 tbsp per load.  That's it.  Nothing more.  If you think about what you are paying for in the store, you are paying mostly for WATER.  Why should you spend your money to transport WATER with a small amount of ingredients?  If you are buying a powder detergent, you are often paying for FILLER.  Why on earth would you want FILLER?

I know many detergents have a fancy scent that keeps you happy.  I will post more about fragrance in another blog.  Why do companies use fragrance?  Because the chemicals used to clean your clothes leave an odd scent.  Making your own detergent will eliminate any need for chemical cover up.  It leaves your clothes looking clean, smelling FRESH, and will not show wear as soon as using the chemicals/

Each load comes out to around .02 to .10 cents a load.

I did it!!!!  I'm really proud!  This was my very first attempt at doing this and it wasn't easy either.